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CORDELIA
I hadn't meant to say it like that. I was going to try to ease into the subject.
Well, so much for easing into anything.
He looked totally shocked for a moment, and then his face just closed down tight.
"That is not going to happen, Cordelia," he said coldly. I don't think he had ever used that harsh tone of voice with me before.
He could have been talking to Spike, the way he sounded.
"Why not? Because the Powers that Be want you dead? Screw them!"
"You don't know what you're dealing with here."
"Excuse me, Mister Third-Grade Teacher, but I'm from Sunnydale, remember? Hellmouth, hello? I know exactly what I'm dealing with, thank you very much. In case I never mentioned it, I just happened to be right there helping with the spell when Angel's soul was put back the second time. You weren't there. You didn't even know Angel back then. You were probably out in some bar that night. I was the one standing there watching Willow go all witchy and weird, but it worked, didn't it? So don't tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about. When it comes to the whole giving a vampire back his soul thing, I think I know what I'm dealing with better than you. And, you know something else? Whatever it takes to keep you around, I'm for it."
I watched him struggling to calm down, and started to feel sorry. So, I tried to chill out, too.
"Okay," I went on, trying to be a little less shrill this time, "Coming down off the high horse now. Both of us. Deal?"
He hesitated, then said, "Deal."
"Good. Because I really don't want to fight with you."
"That's part of the problem, isn't it?" he responded, with a lopsided smile. "You don't want to fight with me, because you feel sorry for me. I think I liked it better when you yelled at me."
"Well, you don't think a little thing like you joining the souled-vampire brigade would stop me, do you?"
"I don't think anything would stop you, Cordelia. It's more a question of stoppin' me."
"So what aren't you saying?"
He winced, and I wondered what he was thinking. "You know how I couldn't tell you about the demon thing?"
"Of course. I also remember that you never actually told me. I had to find it out from someone else, which I did not appreciate, especially since it made me look like a complete idiot for not knowing."
"Well, what if I was a vampire?"
"As long as you had your soul and wasn't going to lose it... oh. The curse thing? Well, maybe we can change it, get rid of that. I mean, when we had to curse Angel it was an emergency, he was running around trying to end the world and all that crap, we didn't have time for fine-tuning. This time, maybe the time we do have could be enough."
"And if it isn't?"
"I'd rather have you be like Angel than be gone," I answered.
"I believe you would, yeah. I'm just not so sure about it myself as you are. And, when it comes right down to it, it's my life we're talkin' about here."
"Are you saying you'd rather be...."
"Dead than vamped? Serious possibility of that, yeah."
"Then I really don't understand you."
"It would be a neat trick if you did, considerin' I don't really understand myself. But I get the distinct feelin' that my new assignment, whether I choose to accept it or not, is the job of figurin' it all out."
"Well, don't take too long," I said bluntly, and then felt horrible. "Ouch. I shouldn't have said that."
"You say what you feel, straight-up, I know that. It's part of what I...." he paused, like he was trying to decide whether to use the word or not, and then he went on. "It's part of what I love about you, Cordelia."
He said it. He said it! I gave him one of my very best smiles. But the relief didn't last long, because he kept on talking.
" But there's more than one kind of love, y'know? And that doesn't necessarily mean that the two of us getting together is the right thing."
"I can't believe this. You love me, you want me, I'm practically throwing myself at you, and you're saying no? What am I missing here?"
"I just need to think things through for awhile. And, yeah, I know I can't take too long with it, but it will just have to take as long as it takes."
"And what about me?"
"You're just going to have to cope with it, I guess. If it helps any, you know I still want you, princess. But I'm not going to do anything about it, not until I make some decisions for m'self."
"And you just want me to wait for you?" I could feel myself getting upset again, and I tried to stop it, but I couldn't. I was on my feet before I realized that I was getting out of the chair. "How long am I supposed to wait? Until you're dead?"
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew I was starting to cry, and I couldn't let him watch me cry. I grabbed my purse and headed for the door.
"Cordelia!"
I could hear him calling after me, but I wasn't going back. I got out of there as fast as I could.
Cordelia Chase waits for no man.
I was so angry as I left the hospital that I could barely see the numbers on my cell phone as my fingernail jabbed at it.
By the time the call was answered, I had my voice under control. No one would have been able to tell that there were still tears in my eyes.
"Serina? You remember that date you were going to set up for me, the one I turned down? Well, somebody needs to be taught a lesson. Think you can still do it? Good."