He was sitting in the chair beside the bed when I arrived. It was the first time I'd seen him out of bed and Cordelia not there.
My first thought was how thin he looked, almost transparent, without the demon inside. And then I met his eyes and realized again how much strength was still there, even though it didn't always show.
"Hey. Good to see you out of bed. Did Cordelia leave already?"
"Yeah, she and I had a bit of a falling-out."
"Like old times?"
"I wish. No, not like that." He gestured, and I sat down on the edge of the bed.
When I sat down, the sheets smelled of his body. I tried not to think about that.
"You're going to have to keep an eye out for Cordelia for awhile. Make sure she doesn't do anything stupid," he said.
"Why? What happened?"
He smiled a little. "What I would have wanted more than anything, a month or two back. Would you believe it? She made a pass at me, and I had to say no. Well, you can guess how she took that."
"Not well, I'm sure."
"Then she started off on this other idea of hers, and...."
"I know." I found myself looking at his feet, his hands, anywhere but his face. "Wesley told me what she was going to ask me."
"Wesley told you, eh?" He seemed to linger on that thought for a moment. When I was finally able to look at him, I saw that he, too, was not looking directly at me. "Hmmm. Well, when my enthusiasm was a little lacking on that particular front, she puffed right up like a balloon. I didn't even get to tell her the rest."
"The rest?"
"Yeah." He stood up then, and I watched him as he stretched a little, still awkward in a body that was subtly different than it had been before. He straightened, and began to pace slowly around the room.
"I do have a television set in here, y'know, and we even get the newspaper sometimes. I know there's been a whole string of killings this past week, and you and I both can read between the lines where it spells 'vampire.' How many people are dead today who would be alive right now if you hadn't been here with me?"
I couldn't answer.
He sighed. "And then there's Cordelia. She ran out of here like the proverbial bat, so to speak, when I told her I wasn't going to head straight over to her place soon as I get out of here. It's not like I don't want her, but there's more than wantin' someone that matters. But she doesn't understand. She doesn't get how you can love someone, and still say no. Well hey, I haven't jumped into bed with you yet, have I?"
I felt myself going very still as I heard what he was saying.
The world seemed to go silent around me. Inside me, there was nothing but an empty space filled with the echo of his words, with what he knew, and what he was admitting to me.
And that was when he told me he was leaving.
"I'm going to have to go away for a bit. I know it's rough on you, and on Cordelia, too. I see that, and I'm sorry for it. But there are some things I just have to do."
After a long moment, I managed to say, "What?"
"I need to make things right with some people. Well, there's Harry to start with. It's not like we'd get back together or anything, but I owe her a proper goodbye. After the way I treated her, it took something to give up her brain-eatin' boyfriend because of me, even if it was partly for the 'starting with deceit' thing. She might have been happy with Richard, even if it was only for a little while. She should have had that. And then there's my mother, o'course. I'd like to take a little time to get things right with her, too."
He looked straight at me then, and the reflection of what he'd seen in me, what I felt, was there in his eyes. "Most of all, though, I need to sort some things out for myself. What I want to do with the time I have, maybe what it means to be human again, and what I want to do about ... some things."
"I understand, I think."
"Yeah, I think you do."
"Just promise me this much. Come back to me, before.... before it's over." I forced myself to keep speaking, although it hurt more than anything I'd felt outside of hell. "Don't make me wonder for the next hundred years where you were when you died, and if you were alone, and if you were scared...."
"Shush. You don't have to say anything more. I'll come back if I can, I promise."
I was on my feet, and he let me hold him then, just a brother's hug, and it was sweet, even though it only lasted for what seemed like seconds. Just holding him, that's all, not doing anything else but feeling the beat of his heart....
It would have to be enough.
DOYLE
They're releasing me today. Cordelia hasn't been back, and I don't know for sure yet whether Angel has told her I'm leaving.
I'm not keen on the idea of disappearing without saying goodbye, but I don't know what else I could say to her right now.
There's only one thing she wants to hear, that I'm going to spend all the time I have with her, and I can't tell her that.
There's a lot I can't tell her. Big change, right? The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I was starting to pack my bag, just waiting for the official word, when I had my last visitor. It wasn't Cordelia, or Angel.
"Mr. Doyle?"
Surprised, I said: "Uh, Pryce, was it?"
"Wyndham-Pryce. May I speak with you for a moment?"
"Sure. I can't go anywhere until they say so. What can I do for you?"
"Angel was kind enough to fill me in on the situation. I hope that you don't mind, but I happen to know Cordelia rather well, and since she is currently acting like someone has cut out her heart and eaten it for lunch - sir, what were you thinking?"
He was really angry, and that startled me. Then I found myself smiling.
That was good. Someone who wasn't tiptoeing around me, and who didn't mind being angry at me - it was a breath of fresh air after all the kid-glove treatment.
"You really care about her, don't you?" I asked.
"Yes, Mr. Doyle, I do. And, while your situation is undoubtedly difficult, I don't see why there was any need to hurt Cordelia. She's not as insensitive as she may appear at times."
"I know that. Probably better than you do. And I don't owe you any explanations about what was necessary here, but I'm glad you care. Cordelia can use all the friends she can get."
"Yes, well, I think she'll be needing her friends more than ever, if you are determined to leave under these circumstances."
"You're right." Behind him, a nurse was arriving with a clipboard, and I could tell by her smile and the forms that she was carrying that she was bringing the good news I'd been waiting for, that I'd be free to go.
"Take care of her, okay?" I said to him as I reached out for the clipboard and the pen, to sign the release forms. "It's good to know that someone is going to be there for her."
"Since you have chosen not to be?" He was still bristling at me, but I didn't mind.
"Since I have chosen not to be," I agreed quietly. "Watch out for her while I'm gone."
