I was ready to let go this time. I didn't want to fight any more. And then I heard her voice, and I felt her hands on me.
I made her a promise, and I owed it to her to try to keep it.
So here I am, in her bed, and the way she's looking at me hurts, but I'm learning to deal with that.
It's this confusion inside me now, as I'm thinking about Angel hugging Faith, while I'm looking at the bruise on Cordelia's face, and remembering who put it there .... that's what hurts even more.
I know how he feels about me, sure. But saving souls? That's what he's for. That's why he's here.
And I ... I just get in the way.
CORDELIA
"Can you talk now?" I asked him after awhile, when he was beginning to look better, and he wasn't wheezing so much any more.
"Yeah."
"What did Faith do to you?"
"It wasn't Faith. Well, not exactly. She never even saw me."
"Then who did this to you?" I pointed at his scraped hands and knees.
"It wasn't a who, it was a what. And my own stupidity, mostly."
"What kind of a what, that wasn't a who, was it?"
He laughed a little at that one.
"It was a staircase, actually," he finally admitted. "That, and my own pride."
I must have been staring at him like a fool, because he eventually took pity on me and explained. "I tried to get downstairs quietly to check out what was going on. So I went down by the stairs, instead of the elevator. I haven't tried stairs in a long time, and I forgot that I can't."
"Forgot that you can't what?"
"I can't do stairs any more. Well, down the stairs I can manage, more or less, if I take it slow, but up...."
"So what happened between down and up?"
"Between down and up," he answered reluctantly, "I saw Angel. With Faith."
"Fighting?"
"No."
"Wait a minute, they weren't - "
"No, not that either."
"Then what?"
"Well, something attacked them, but they killed it. And then she freaked out, and he...."
"He what?"
"Well, just kind of hugged her."
I think I squeaked at that. "Hugged her? He hugged that homicidal maniac?"
"Yes." He didn't sound any happier about it than I was.
"And then what?"
"She started crying."
"And then what?"
"Well, he was just comforting her, you know? Just ... being there for her."
I looked at him, and he looked away. "You were jealous, weren't you?"
"There was no reason to be," he evaded. "They weren't having sex or anything. She was just crying, and he was...."
"Holding her, hugging her, comforting her."
"Yes."
"The bitch who hit me and tortured Wesley."
"Yes."
"That vampire can be such a total - "
"Shhh. Don't."
"So what happened then?"
"I tried to climb back up the stairs."
"You mean, while he was being all comforty with Faith, you were ...."
"Trying to get back up the stairs, yes." Following my look to his scraped knees, he admitted softly, "I almost didn't make it."
"While he was with Faith."
"Yeah."
"And then in the car...."
"I passed out, I guess. Then I heard you calling my name."
I took one of his hands, holding it, looking at the palms that were scraped raw, and I felt like I might choke with the anger inside me, just staring at it.
"Oh, Doyle...."
"It's okay."
"It's not okay." I had to stop for a minute, but then I went on, hearing the fury building in my own voice, and not caring any more. "It is so not okay. You love him, and you nearly died today, and you know you don't have long, and he was taking care of Faith. That's not okay. That's not okay at all."
He was silent for a long moment, and when I looked at him, I saw that he was fighting not to cry. I couldn't stop myself then; I put my arms around him.
"No," he whispered then, "Maybe it's not okay."
We were both crying then, and holding each other, and I don't know who was doing more comforting, of us both.
I'm not sure when what was happening started to change. But somehow, it did.
I don't even remember when I started kissing him, but suddenly, I was.
And through our tears, for the first time since the hospital, he started to kiss back.
And then, everything changed.
DOYLE
I didn't plan it. But I was so empty, and she was there, and her arms were so warm, and her lips, and the anger in her voice, the anger in her face at Angel, was all mixed up together with her loving me, and I was angry too, and something else, something that was very much not okay, except that in her arms.... it was.
I couldn't show Angel that I was scared. But Cordelia was all anger and heat and shaking her fist at everything and somehow, that was what opened up something inside of me.
I know that I'm not in love with Cordelia, I'm in love with Angel, I know it. And yet, I do love her, and I don't really understand any of it any more. Sometimes it's all just more than I can understand, but she was there, and I could feel the force of it, her loving me.
She wasn't nearly as gentle as Angel. She was kissing me hard, and I tasted her tears and mine, her anger, and her fear for me, all in her kiss like a language that I understood, and I just.... opened to it.
When I gasped then, it wasn't just because I couldn't breathe, not any more.
I was still sitting up, propped against the headboard, and she was unbuttoning my shirt, and her mouth was everywhere that her hands weren't, seeming like it was all over me at once, even though it couldn't be, and she was still crying, too, and so was I.... but it didn't seem to matter any more.
She was doing all the work, but I'd run through my quota of pride today, and her hands were so warm, and her mouth was so warm.... and I realized how cold I'd been, for such a long time, like being dead already.... and how much I needed to be warm again.
When she dragged my jeans halfway down my legs and started to straddle me, I managed to say, "We shouldn't do this."
"Just... be with me once, before...."
She didn't say anything more. There was no need. She just kissed me again, a hard, demanding, desperate kiss, and as she touched me, her body covering mine, I found myself moving up to meet her, and that was the end of saying no, for me.
She was on me, and moving, and I groaned as I felt the sweetness and the heat of it, and she was covering my whole face with kisses as she moved, and I was being pushed hard against the headboard of the bed, and it hurt and it was glorious and she wasn't holding back and I didn't care any more when it hurt, because the pain of the joy and the joy of the pain was there for us both right now, both of us, no mercy and no pity. Her breath was on my lips, and she moaned against my mouth as she moved, her body seeking, pushing, not holding back, and with every thrust of her body around mine, I could feel what it was doing for her, I could hear her gasping against my ear, and I had missed that so much, so much.... she wasn't holding back.
Neither was I.
When I let go this time, it was into the heat that surrounded me and her body was warm all around me and her arms were around me, and I was here. I was here, with her. I was warm. I was alive.
We were both shaking, and the tears were still there for both of us, but, oh God, as I held her and she held me and our bodies shook together, I felt so violently alive, and all of it was there, and real. I was angry, I was scared, and in her arms, I was finally able to say it.
It was the one thing I hadn't been able to say, not to Angel, not even to myself.
I could finally say it to her now, as we both wept, together.
